We are all so incredibly different, but what I think we should all agree on is: say what you mean. Don’t be obscure, don’t beat around the bush, don’t hint, just say it! Hmm, perhaps I should market a hoodie that says “just say it!” Nah, I’d probably get in trouble from Nike for it being too close to their trademark. But seriously. JUST SAY IT!
How hard is it to say what you want? Well, obviously it IS hard. Sometimes we don’t want to speak up and say what we really want to say, because we are fearful, and afraid that we might get into trouble, or even worse, get laughed at. This will certainly stop someone cold in their tracks. Or we might think someone will think we are stupid, or crazy.
If you are a passive person, you’re going to avoid speaking up because you are avoiding confrontation at all costs. If you’re like me (aggressive) you will just say it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I don’t know how or why I have that personality, but I was born with it. I find it easy to speak my mind. I find it easy to say exactly what I’m thinking.
The problem with that ease, is that I often say things without truly thinking about it, and I can stomp all over someone, or offend someone. I can be a bull in a china shop, so to speak. I have been working on this aspect of my personality though, and I’m learning to think about what I have to say, before I just blurt it out. So – for all of you who are NOT aggressive, you can certainly learn to overcome being timid, and say what you mean to say.
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
Attitude is everything, and so HOW we say something is the most important part of all. You can’t be saying one thing, but your tone implies another. If your hubby asks you if you are mad, and you say, “NO” in a really snotty tone, you just lied. You are obviously mad, your answer and tone just confirmed it, but your “no” contradicted your words. That is silly.
If your hubby asks you what you want for your birthday, and you say “oh you don’t have to get me anything” and so he doesn’t buy you anything, you cannot get mad at him when your birthday rolls around and you don’t get a gift. He is not supposed to interpret that it means, “yes, you had better buy me something!” You told him he didn’t need to get you anything, so he took you at your word. You said no. Men should not have to try to pick up on our body language, and realize that when we say no, we mean yes. That’s insane. Ridiculous. This causes so many rifts in relationship – because what we say and what we mean are two different things.
JUST SAY IT!
JUST SAY IT! Tell your hubby what you want! I told my hubby that we should save our money instead of buying gifts, and so I asked specifically for a nice card instead. (We only buy gifts for decade birthdays). He knows what my expectations are, and he makes sure to always buy me a card. If I had said, oh, it doesn’t matter, do whatever, then he might. Did I mean it? NO! I WANT a card for my birthday. I really do! So, I said what I wanted, and guess what? He never fails to deliver, I get a WONDERFUL card every year, and I love it! He’s especially mushy with his messages too, because he knows I love it. What a wonderful man! (Love that guy!)
If your spouse asks you what you want for dinner, and you say it doesn’t matter, did you mean it? If he/she cooks salmon and then you complain at dinner time that you were hoping for steak, why didn’t you just SAY you wanted steak? Speak your mind, tell the truth. We are not doing ourselves any favours if we are always getting upset because we don’t get what we want, because we don’t SAY what we want. We truly honestly need to be committed to saying exactly what we want, and get rid of the guesswork.
If you tell your teenager that he can come whenever he wants, and then he arrives home after dinner time and you get mad at him for not being home for dinner, whose fault is it? YOURS! You said he could come home when he wanted to. He did. You can’t suddenly change the rules. If you had wanted him home for dinner, than you should have said so.
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT
Our words are so important. We shouldn’t make other people try to guess what we really mean. Your words AND your tone AND your body language should all be congruent – ie: in line with one another. Don’t huff off a NO when you really mean yes. Be specific. Have a point. Emphasize it if necessarily, but do it kindly.
Don’t put expectations on someone else. Instead of hoping they will do something, and then when they don’t you get mad, just say to them what you would like them to do. It’s up to them to do it or not, which is correct, because everyone has choices. You can’t expect your husband to always take out the garbage. Why should he? Why can’t you take out the garbage once in a while? There is no unwritten rule that all men have to deal with the garbage. This can also be said in reverse for laundry. Men can do laundry, there’s no unwritten rule that all women have to do laundry. Don’t get upset at your partner just because they are not doing things that YOU think they should be doing.
LIFE IS EASIER IF YOU SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
Trust me, life will go SO MUCH EASIER for you if you learn to say what you mean. Stop trying to project what you want with hints and subtle or not so subtle voice inflections. Speak the words you mean, get it across, politely.